How do you know if you’re giving up or letting go?
Regardless of the similar end result of stopping something permanently, giving up and letting go have entirely different energetic signatures. Knowing the difference allows you to make decisions that are truly in alignment with your head and heart.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept lately as I observe and interact with people in my life who are making some big, life-altering decisions right now. I am not the decision-maker in these situations therefore I cannot give a firsthand account of what led to their individual choices. I can, however, take note of the energy and information that is shared with me in the conversations around these decisions.
And while it is clear to me that some of these decisions are indicative of giving up and others of letting go, I want to be clear that these are not judgements about the people making these choices. Whether or not I agree with them, I choose to believe that they are doing the best that they can with the information they have available to them at this moment. We will all experience both situations at some point in our lives. I do, however, want to call attention to the differences between the two responses so that you might have a tool that can help guide your decisions in the future.
Giving Up
Giving up is typically a reactive response. It’s emotionally charged with feelings we often hope to avoid - anger, anxiety, frustration, fear, etc. You give up when the mountain in front of you feels too steep to climb either because the hike isn’t going to plan or because you don’t have the right tools at that moment to help you instantly succeed. You may say you’ve tried your hardest and done everything you could, but your heart knows that you haven’t. Maybe you were not truly committed to reaching the peak, you just romanticized it. The harsh truth is that giving up is an impulsive function of avoiding discomfort.
Letting Go
Letting go, however, can be characterized by its embedded sense of peace. It is a decision that is not made lightly; one that is made only when you have given yourself the time and space to deeply feel your initial emotional reaction(s) before committing to the outcome. Letting go creates a space that lacks emotional attachment and is ultimately freeing. You know without doubt that you have done everything you could. It’s understanding that the thing you are holding onto isn’t truly what is best for you (or the other party), or isn’t what you truly want anymore. Letting go is a thoughtful, near-meditative process that brings your head and heart closer to harmony.
I can think of plenty of instances where I wanted to give up in the moment. In hindsight, I have either felt frustration with myself for being reactive or thankful that I chose to allow my emotions to settle and kept going. I have never once felt anything but peace when I truly let something go. That does not necessarily mean I have not felt some sense of grief for what was released, but I am still very much at peace with my decisions.
I could not help but think about these two paths as I stood with Annie as she took a moment to nap in the run-in yesterday. While I know in my heart I could never give up on her, or any of the animals I have committed to over the years, there were certainly times in the beginning of our relationship where I wanted to. Her behavior, though not a personal attack, has brought up so many emotions for me over the years. In the times that were the hardest, which were in our first year together, I knew I had not done everything I could. I know that had I walked away then, it was because I was trying to avoid the discomfort of not feeling good enough to help her. Had I given into my thoughts and feelings during those highly emotionally charged times, I would have missed out on all the good that has come since then.
Had I given up then, I would have missed out on knowing the version of us that exists today. I would have missed out on seeing her blossom into the affectionate, silly, and fiercely opinionated mare who she is. I would have missed out on all of the lessons she has taught and continues to teach me not only as a horsewoman but as a human. I know that I would have regretted giving up on her.
I can compare this to letting my late gelding, Jäger, go back in the spring of 2020. I called our vet out when he started to have consistent diarrhea despite no changes in his diet or lifestyle. After months of trying everything my vet could think of with very little success, we were left with a suspected intestinal cancer diagnosis. The only way we could obtain a definitive diagnosis was to trailer him to one of our “local” universities, both of which were at least four and a half hours away in either direction, for exploratory surgery. If surgical biopsies determined that he did in fact have intestinal cancer, treatment would only prolong his life a short time, and that was if treatment actually worked seeing as success rates are relatively low. He was still eating and happy to be with his friends, but he was losing weight despite our best efforts. He could have kept going until he passed naturally, but I knew that I had to let him go before things got worse and he was not strong enough to make the short trailer ride to his final resting place.
As soon as I made that choice, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace. Don’t get me wrong, I was devastated to lose him so much sooner than I ever expected, but I knew that the choice I was making was not impulsive. I had done everything I could for him. I allowed myself to process all of my emotions associated with helping him transition out of his body. I was not making this decision to avoid the discomfort of witnessing his body deteriorate, but rather to bring us both closer to what we needed. I have never once regretting letting him go.
Through witnessing others and my own experiences, I have come to learn that it is the emotional component and the why behind your decisions that can help you conclusively tell the difference between giving up and letting go. So the next time you find yourself wondering whether you are giving up or letting go of something, I hope these questions can help you find clarity:
How am I feeling about this decision? Am I emotionally charged or are my head and heart at peace with it?
Why am I making this decision? Am I choosing this in order to move away from discomfort, or am I doing this because it means that I am moving toward alignment?