Long story short, this week did not go to plan. Not in any drastic way, but in the way that I live in Vermont so I am at the mercy of the winter weather and it's major impact on driving conditions. It's January so it's to be expected, but that doesn't always make it easier to accept. However, I did notice how much easier I found it to allow any disappointment/guilt around not achieving exactly what I aimed to do this week to pass so I was pretty proud of myself for that.
What we didn't do paled in comparison to what we actually did. Annie is finding a lovely amount of balance in her transitions and I can definitely see improvements in her stamina. I've loosely been following the exercises laid out in Jec Aristotle Ballou's Equine Fitness: A Conditioning Program of Exercises & Routines for Your Horse to give me session ideas and appreciate the range of stretches that are incorporated. I've been taking great care to ensure Annie is not getting sore (she has not!) but I also have so much to thank for her lifestyle of being out 24/7 in a pasture with varied terrain that encourages movement. I also make sure to include some of her favorite behaviors and activities in our sessions so that she does not become bored or sour in regards to her strength training. So often we set a "serious" goal and then accidentally stop doing fun things!
I spent our Sunday energy + bodywork session offering her the latest round of oils that our good friend Tessa of Holistic Equine Connection sent us, in addition to offering the herb she had suggested we try. And in case you were wondering, Annie decided licorice root is not fit for consumption! I worked through checking in with her bladder meridian, as well as the points Tessa suggested on the governing and conception vessels, and the stomach and lung meridians. It's always so interesting to observe how our horses react to this kind of work and I love practicing with Annie. She really guided me through a powerful session that brought on a few big releases and a lot of quiet processing moments. This work really forces me to be present on another level. I have really been soaking that in and enjoying it. I definitely never would have seen myself doing this even a year ago so it's cool to see how our journey continues to unfold.
Another illuminating moment that I had this week came after chatting with a friend who shared something vulnerable on her account. That moment was the result of her doing her inner work around healing a wound to her inner child. She chose to share the moment because it was something she was told she was bad at but she loved to do it. This made me realize that I was that kid that did most things really well right away. As I grew older, I was often labeled as someone who was just good at everything which then planted seeds of doubt in my mind about perceived expectations and trying new things. I recognize that I have felt overwhelmed by the expectation I felt to automatically be good at everything to the point where I sometimes struggle to share what I actually am good at out of fear it won't be good enough, or even to try new things at all. I can see how this ties into my old perfectionist label that I am working on denouncing and therefore am making an effort to just keep doing the things that bring me joy without concerning myself with the result.
This aha moment came before my energy + bodywork session with Annie. I had always struggled to let go of expectations around that type of work - I wanted to get it "right". Allowing myself to shed the expectation of the outcome that is entirely based on feelings made a massively positive impact on my ability to show up for her and I'm definitely working on integrating this beautiful knowledge across more areas of my life moving forward.
Empowering Observations:
You can't love something for what it truly is if you're also trying to control it. By definition, control is a power we exert to influence the outcome of something, which means we are trying to shape it into what we want it to look like. This concept is akin to the idea of "If you love someone, set them free." We get the fullest, most authentic version of others, horses and humans, when we allow them the space to decide how they would like to engage with us, for better or worse. We control so much of our horses lives as it is, it only seems fair to allow them to have some control over our interactions with them. Yes, there will be times where we need to take control for the sake of safety, but those are typically extenuating circumstances but there are things we can practice ahead of time to help build trust and preparation. It can be hard not to take our horse's behavior personally, but we need to allow them the freedom to let us know how they're feeling so that they will keep us in conversation, even if that conversation is a tough one to hear.
The voice of fear is not often your own. I was reflecting on the ways that fear has held me back and I realized that most of what I hear from "myself" are actually not things I have said first. Rather, they are things that I have heard from other people at some point or another and subconsciously (or consciously!) internalized. It's interesting to realize that all of the fears you have are likely not things you have told yourself. The best part about this is that means we can work on letting these things go as they are simply opinion and not fact. You are the expert on you.
Equestrian Reflection
Journal Prompt: My ideal future self looks, acts, and shows up around my horse like...
My ideal future self looks like a confident badass horsewoman who is guided by my intuition, the horses, and unquenchable thirst for deeper knowledge. I effortlessly take up space and just as easily holds it for others. I know in my heart that what makes me unique is that I am me and that is enough. I show up to my horse authentically, for better or worse. I do not pretend to be something or feel some way that I do not. I honor her voice and opinions as just as valuable as mine in our relationship.
Affirmation: Be her now. Your future self is waiting for you.
Equestrian Oracle
Theme for the Upcoming Week
You're Not Alone
The truth is that you're only feeling this way because of the choices you are making to hold yourself back and not let yourself be fully seen. The first step to overcoming this is to look around you and realize that you aren't alone. All you have to do is open yourself up and take the next step.
*The Equestrian Reflection and Equestrian Oracle cards are courtesy of Felicity Davies and can be purchased directly from her here.