I poured nearly a whole year into Annie's healing journey at the expense of my own.
I remember going into 2022 thinking that this was going to be a big year of getting back to riding, with R+ as the primary driver of my method of retraining Annie. I remember starting The Positive Pony in December of 2021 as a way to share my journey with her, not realizing that what opening that door would set into motion - the relationships it would cultivate, the rabbit holes it would send me down, and the beautiful growth it would cause me to experience. There are still two more months in the year, but with all that has been alive for me lately, just in the last month, I felt compelled to share a sort of recap of the year so far in hopes that in resonates with some of you who might be feeling the same sense of stuckness or misalignment I was feeling not too long ago. I've also included links along the way in case anything here piques your interest!
We started the year coming back from an injury. I moved Annie to a new barn in November of 2021 and she was now being pastured 24/7 with my good friend's mare who not only has PSSM, but was recovering from hindgut ulcers so she was not always in a great mood - understandably so! Occasionally, Phoebe would express her bodily discomfort by lashing out at Annie. At one point in late December 2021, this resulted in a kick by Phoebe to Annie's right hock. Annie was certainly lame, but nothing was broken or severely injured, but I had to shift into rehab mode that for the month of January and into February.
It was around this time that I was also slowly building up The Positive Pony and by doing so, was starting to cultivate a community of other horse people who were looking at the world a little differently. I had been listening to The Equestrian Perspective podcast, hosted by the lovely Felicity Davies, when I listened to her interviews with Celeste-Leilani Lazaris (aka The Traveling Horse Witch). I was totally intrigued by her work with developing the horse's thoracic sling, an area that is so often overlooked as I would come to learn. This led me to listening to Celeste's joint interview with Betsy Vonda on the We Can Hustle podcast (if you haven't listened to it, it is absolute gold!). My mind was absolutely blown. Everything they talked about sounded like Annie.
Annie had been seen multiple times by a veterinary chiropractor in 2021 and was consistently "out" in her poll and bilaterally (both sides, left and right) in her sacroiliac (SI) joint at every visit. I had asked the vet why she thought this was happening and what I could do about it. She responded that every horse she sees that is out in their SI is almost always out in their poll and vice versa. She then stated that it was likely that the use of hay nets/bags that were to blame, but I admit that just didn't feel or seem like the right explanation to me. Fast forward to hearing Celeste talk about the thoracic sling and how we see lack of development there manifest - in the poll and SI. Everything clicked. The lack of thoracic sling development made so much sense for what I was seeing. Literally the big structure between the horse's head and their hind end (where the poll and SI are respectively) was what could be causing the issues at both ends!
So I got to work joining Celeste's online Master Class. I dove down the Balance Through Movement Method rabbit hole for the month of February and had a one-on-one call with Betsy to get started on addressing Annie's posture that would absolutely set a ball into motion that just has not stopped rolling.
It was shortly after this in March that I scheduled Annie to be seen by a neuromuscular equine dentist rather than opting to have our vet power-float her teeth. I learned SO much in our first appointment that I never knew and am doubtful I would have ever learned from our veterinarian. Our dentist, Gretchen Deane, is also a certified Masterson Method practitioner and performs body work while sedation for the dental procedure kicks in. Gretchen confirmed Annie’s areas of tension (iliopsoas, poll, and both TMJs) and was hopeful we could address some of her constrictions through better dental alignment. Gretchen first noticed that Annie is missing a top incisor! Annie is an Appendix (half QH, half TB). Gretchen said that she often sees dental abnormalities in these breeds due to their line bred history. So no matter what we do, Annie’s anatomy will always cause her to have some ongoing misalignment, but Gretchen was able to make corrections that will help. Plus, Annie has a wonky lower right incisor that appears to have been broken long ago, further explaining why she would be compensating with her left TMJ. It was the next day that when I visited Annie, she stood quietly in the arena for about 10 minutes calmly processing that I realized how big of a difference the neuromuscular dental procedure and bodywork made for her. She is on the schedule to be seen again in December for her next alignment - not quite a year since this was her first time having this type of dental work done and Gretchen likes to recheck at 9 months to catch any changes sooner rather than later, especially headed into the winter.
Also in March, Felicity Davies awarded me one of two scholarships to join her Confident Equestrian Program (CEP). It was in this 12-week container that ran through the beginning of June that so many mindset breakthroughs happened for me! I will be 100% transparent that I already knew and felt very comfortable with the video material that was presented so I did not learn too much from that piece of the program, but being around a group of horse people who were all working towards working with their horses in a kinder way that felt good to them and their horses was absolutely priceless. Meeting with the same group of amazing women on a weekly basis, setting goals, having accountability, sharing our experiences, celebrating wins and troubleshooting our issues lit a fire in me I had not felt in a long time. I finally felt confident in my abilities as a horsemanship coach again! I had put that piece of me aside when I started using R+ with Annie back in December of 2020 because I realized I did not feel comfortable coaching and teaching others on a) something I was new to myself and b) something that made me have to address and rethink A LOT of the things I had been taught to do and teach based on a "traditional" horsemanship perspective.
It was during the end of CEP, that I was approached by Leah Kaufmann, the brilliant mind behind one of my favorite equestrian small businesses, Dapplebay. She was thinking of starting an educational component to her blog and asked if I would be willing to contribute to it. Honestly, this opportunity to share positive reinforcement with a wider audience felt so huge to me. I was so dang humbled by the fact that out of everyone, she chose me. I'm so grateful for Leah's friendship and faith in me! I wrote a blog post at the end of May that would ultimately serve as the backbone for whole slew of R+ content that ran through July that was created by Leah's team, myself, and another equestrian using R+, Laura Force and her gorgeous mare, Lily.
Concurrently with that, I had the opportunity to take On Course Equestrian's inaugural Equestrian Instagram Academy course. If I'm being 100% honest, the course itself was fine, I really appreciated Leah and Tara's (of Farm & Fir Co.) pieces on design, but the rest felt rather inauthentic and unaligned for me. I truly felt burnt out on social media after that experience and glad I didn't pay full price due to being in the first round. While the course was lackluster and there was arguably shaky follow-through on the bonuses, there was a community that was built within that course that led me to meeting some really great other equestrian entrepreneurs and for that I am super thankful. In the same social media vein, I personally found much greater value in Laura Langfitt's Own Your Impact course. I felt much more empowered about sharing my message in my own voice, rather than simply trying to "beat the algorithm" or do things that just didn't feel right to me in order to "be successful" on social media.
Within that community that I mentioned from the IG Academy, I connected with Tessa Goddard, the soul behind Holistic Equine Connection. We ended up chatting about some of the physical and emotional obstacles I had been navigating with Annie and she recommended we try a customized essential oil therapy plan for her that we would start in August. I had previously explored a bit of generalized aromatherapy for Annie during her rehab period at the beginning of the year and was really interested in observing how the different oils were able to elicit different responses, both physically and emotionally, from her. This early round of exploration was almost exclusively self-guided and because of that, I didn't feel comfortable digging too much further at that time. So when Tessa re-opened that door through an individualized approach, I was super eager to see how we could support Annie even more. It was during this process with Tessa that not only did we peel back and address a few more layers of Annie's emotional and physical trauma that she had accumulated throughout her time before and with me, but something else had shifted in me, too.
I'm sure Tessa would back me up when I say that our conversations were quickly becoming therapy sessions for me where I would mostly pour out all of my guilt around Annie being in any amount of physical and/or emotional pain and my perceived inadequacies around being Annie's caretaker. It was Tessa who reminded me of all that I had done and been doing to support Annie to the very best of my abilities, stopping at nothing to be the best I could be for her. It was honestly her reminder that first sparked the idea that I should write down all of the things I had done so far this year to support Annie's holistic health so that I could physically see on paper how much I had done. It was also my conversations with Tessa that helped me decide to start working with a therapist again to address my own stuff, especially everything that I realize I had bottled up throughout the year. I am endlessly thankful to have connected with an amazing therapist who specializes in helping equestrians - something that I felt really lacked in my previous therapists because horse people just get other horse people.
Within this internal crisis, I finally took the plunge and scheduled a horse and human shamanic healing session with Dr. Tracy Rainwaters for mid-October. I had felt really drawn to Dr. Tracy through various podcast interviews where she was the guest, as well as through her social media. I definitely would not have been open to her gifts or such an offering about a year ago. Anyone who knew me then knows I was very much reliant on scientific evidence and cold, hard proof, nothing unexplainable or woo-woo allowed! Now, after opening myself up to all of the energy our universe has to offer and having a deeper connection to and faith in it, I'll often catch myself preaching, "Embrace the woo!" I am so glad that I did embrace it and meet with Dr. Tracy because holy cow, just wow. So much valuable wisdom came through and healing occurred between Annie and I, individually and as partners, in our session. I can now see why things have unfolded how they have and I was reminded of power that was locked away inside of myself all along. The day after our session, a crazy palpable energy shift had clearly happened between Annie and I. After practicing the exercises that Dr. Tracy communicated to me in addition to having a RevitaVet Poll Cap session plus offering a round of oils from Tessa, Annie let go of more tension (through like a million eye-rolling yawns!) than she ever had in a single go. I'm thrilled to say that we have both been on operating on a much higher vibration since then.
That brings us just about up to the present!
I was listening to Angela Saieva's (of Equine Elevation) Sovereign Horse podcast recently, and she talked about how her herd communicated to her that she was the one "holding the horses back". She went on to elaborate that what this meant was that she had spent so much time and energy focusing on the needs of her horses, that she had propelled them along their journeys at the expense of her own, effectively holding them back from further growth until she caught up. It was in listening to this explanation that I realized this is exactly what I have been experiencing over the course of this year. I poured nearly a whole year into Annie's healing journey at the expense of my own. Just about everything I was doing up until recently circled back to helping her, not me, and that's why I felt we had hit a wall. I had pushed her so far down the road, that she couldn't possibly keep going until I caught up. And now that I am actively working to swing the pendulum back towards myself, I'm seeing immediate benefits across all areas of my life. I also know that like everything else in life, creating a better balance is something I am going to have to be mindful of in the future.
This is all to say that this year was a whirlwind of learning, growing, trying, failing, feeling, and reflecting. I'm thankful for all that I learned, through coursework and experience. I'm grateful for everyone I have had the chance to connect with and collaborate with (I'd need a much longer post to cover all of them!). But there was definitely a trade-off in all of that. I recognize that I felt stuck in the moments of stillness because I had spent so much time being busy that slowing down somehow felt wrong. And it wasn't the stillness that was wrong, it was an incorrect association I had created between the external validators + motivators and growth. Consequentially, in the times when life got quiet and I was left with just my internal forces, I thought what I was feeling was stagnation and scarcity. I can see why, too, being an ever-dedicated student of the horse combined with the understanding that the more I learned, the less I felt I really knew. So with that, I was constantly left feeling like I needed more - more knowledge, more hands-on and practical experience, more connections, more time, more money, just more. Now, I can see that it isn't actually stagnation and scarcity that I am feeling in these moments at all, but rather the fear of those things because of the associations my actions created. Moving forward, I'm choosing to see these moments of stillness as natural opportunities to stop looking out and turn inwards to myself, to step back and dig deep into my own intuition, knowledge, and power.
With all that said, in the coming months to close out the year, I am choosing to pursue two specific opportunities with the intent of becoming better attuned to myself and to practice trusting my intuition in spaces filled with love and support from other like-minded horse people. The first is the Centaur Soul Workshop, a 5-week intensive starting this week that is made up of 4 modules that are inspired by the Centaur archetype (Creativity, Spirituality, Well-Being, and Transformation) facilitated by the wonderful Allison Goin with special guests. The second is a connection-based container that is being designed and led by the amazing Syd Condrashoff of Honor Equine. This space is geared toward developing our tools to support deeper connection and trust - everything from grounding, vibration, all the way to looking at contracts with others and our animals and how to give and receive healing.
I can only imagine what 2023 will hold for Annie and I, but through this reflection, I can sense two major themes already - balance and intuition. With that in mind, I am setting the intention now to prioritize three goals as a result of 2022's life lessons:
I will work to create a more balanced relationship between supporting Annie's journey and advancing my own. (AKA - I will not hold my horse back!)
I will continue strengthening my relationship with and honoring my own intuition.
I will take moments of stillness as reminders to look inward rather than outward.
What lessons has 2022 taught you so far? What are you hoping to do differently next year?